10 WAYS TO END IT. GOOD RIDDANCE.

(And spare their feelings) A guide to terminating your
romantic relations with love and a side-serving of insanity/ham.

IMG SOURCE: Sask Pork – the one you love

It has been a long wait, even I have to agree, to have me write a reasonable post with some sort of comprehensive meaning and much less “this was how my day went” drivel, which, although tasty in the correct amounts, tends towards the equivalent of a super spicy laksa rolling ominously in the bowels of a traditional British tête-à-tête.

So, I am certain that in many ways, those of us that are romantically challenged, have come across times where we’ve wanted to desperately exclude our post-significant-other from our lives. To perform a spiritual purge, and burn all belongings in a herbal and cleansing fire. But, this action must first be countered with the physical purge. And so, I present to my readers, 10 wonderful ways in which you can become one with your inner outrageously fanatical center:

1. A slow descent into mania is likely to drive any rational human away – away from you. This is a simple process that can be initiated by only responding to a voice only you can hear. Develop an obvious, raucous and friendly rapport with the voice. Laugh manically and uncontrollably at everything the invisible voice says and nod emphatically alongside your new indiscernible friend. If your partner asks as to what was said, shake your head and say, “It’s private”. Do this every time. If your partner tells a joke, look sincerely confused and say, “Ummm, o-kaaaay”. Do this every time. When your partner sits down, say “You’re sitting on him”. If they move, say “You’re sitting on him”. If they insist “he” could not occupy two chairs, say “He moved”. Do this every time.

2. Deny their existence. When they say anything, glance up and around, look slightly puzzled and say “Hmm, must of been the wind”. Do this every time. Another tactic is to just stare at their right ear as they speak and then make no facial recognition of their presence at all. If they call, put on your most convincing Indian accent and redirect them to customer assistance. Do this every time.

3. Sometimes just the threat of violence is enough to drive someone away. Point at a random member of the public and say, smiling, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we set those really old people on fire?” If they dismiss your suggestion, point out another and say, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we just drove a rusty rail spike through that cute little puppy’s face?” If they question your indelible blood lust, look slightly crestfallen, stare woefully at your ragged Cons and whisper forlornly, “You’ve changed”.

4. Develop habits that will certainly repulse them. If they loathe meat, for instance, sleep with a full champagne ham wedged between your ankles. Move it progressively close and closer to their face during the night. Ultimately, they should wake to find themselves face-to-face with the ham. Then quickly remove the ham. They should continue to find it in unexpected places – belted into the passenger seat, on the toilet, playing tennis on the Wii, snoozing on the couch (at this point you should look up and say, “Shhhh!” then mouth the word “sleeping” with comic over-exaggeration).

5. Drive them away by affecting an African-American patois. When you agree with anything at all, say, “TRUE DAT!” This will get them tired extremely quickly. To further enhance this effect, start to don over sized baggy jeans. Chew gum with vicious incisor action. Wear caps with offensive slogans. Idolize the Wu Tang Clan. Keep your hands locked in a permanent “W” for “Westside” insignia.

6. Let them down easy. Explain you simply need something they cannot give. This can be anything humanly (or inhumanly) possible- so feel free to let your mind slam and make-good in the great land of Creativity: I need all toes to be webbed. I need to have your hair gelled Dragon Ball Z-style in gravy. I need a constant quota of meat breath. I need large slabs of cow, pig and chicken in at least 3 different styles at every meal time. Yes, even breakfast.

7. Play dead. If they are convinced by your act, they will grieve and move on. If they remain unconvinced by your handiwork, they should be sufficiently annoyed to move on. A sure-fire way to ensure a “realistic death” scenario, is to ask willing loyal companions to bring all the tomato sauce in their humble abodes, alongside large carving knives – scattering sauce and large sharp instruments around your “broken” body. Get one of the loyal companions to whelp dramatically, “THE HAM! THE HAM DID IT” and point with theatrical poise to the champagne ham. Tres’ convincing, no?

8. Insist you are related. Being of Asian descent, anything is possible in these circumstances as it is actually highly likely that you are in some way related to your ex-interest. However, if your burden remains unconvinced, and demands proof of your claim, simply shrug indifferently and calmly pass them a magic eight ball. It will achieve nothing at all, but will allow a moment of utter confusion in which to run away, hands in the air, screaming. Failing having a magic eight ball on hand, proclaim “Look! A distraction!” and make with a getaway.

9. Flick any small, hard object at them. After doing so, ask,”Did that hurt?” Completely ignore their answer and repeat the pain-inflicted process. When they stand to leave and sit elsewhere, shake your head and say, “He moved”. Objects can range from Tic Tacs, Skittles, miniaturized Pokemon figurines, to those natty little metal ball-bearings commonly seen incorporated with office table ornaments.

10. To tell them you hate them personally is offensive and unnecessary. Instead, take this opportunity to tell them that you hate everything they like and own. Strolling through their house, look clearly annoyed with a firm looks of disgust on your visage and go forth and say, “Bah, Mac? Uh yea, ‘cool’. Meh, Sony? Ooo, ‘It’s a Sony’. Meh, apple? Yea, crunchy, whatever. I’m so impressed. Goldfish? What’s it going to do? Swim? Mmm, great, almost as good as the apple.” After a pattering of complaints produced with a consistent sarcastic tone, they will eventually tire of this, and most likely, of you.

So never fear, my love-fledgelings! Perhaps there’s love awaiting your behind the mystery door! But for know you can be pleasured by the fact that you can now fake insanity with surprising ease and ability! Be in awe of your skills. The next love you come along may be the one accompanied by a choir of angels, you’ve just got to keep your ears open for their singing.

And if not, bookmark this page, it may just come in handy one day.