I’M FEELING A LITTLE REFLECTIVE, so here’s a pause from my usual broadcast of snarking at various events (my “Japan Updates”) and people in my simple little excuse for an existence. A little reflection never hurt, well unless you’re inclined to resort to self-harm, then a little self-reflection may result in great wrist-slashage. Which, is really not good and I suggest you look for professional help (there really wasn’t any joke line in that, seriously). Cue: Random mumbo jumbo that is excreted from my brain. These thoughts don’t make too much in the way of sense, so you’re just going to have to try and weed out the logic in this yourself, kids.


BEHIND THE LENS: At events, I like to be seen with a lens in my hand, well that and/or a stiff alcoholic something-or-other, which takes the edge off me being in a situation where I am incredibly uncomfortable. “INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE?” You may cry in utter flabbergastedness (officially a word now). Those who may of met me IRL will know that you could most likely find me in a crowded stadium packed to the gills with Vuvuzelas and over enthusiastic soccer fanatics by simply keeping an ear out for my distinctive laugh. A laugh which is not dissimilar to an obese chicken slowly choking to death from attempting to inhale a squeaky toy. I’m usually the loudest around. The one who looks pretty bloody comfortable. The one with a grin – but the truth is, in my head, it’s more similar to Grin and Bear it. This odd quality of self-preservation by attempting to hijack any chance of being socially acceptable can be found in some of the most upbeat people. Truth be, upbeat people are probably the biggest, maddest group of sociopaths present on the planet. True story.

So, to avoid awkward situations where I have to configure random spurts of witty conversation, I pick up a camera and make good with taking snaps of people. It’s social suicide in the form of high grade glass and shutters – but it’s what makes me happy and somehow makes me feel included at the same time. The camera helps me capture moments in life – immortalizing them, in a day and age where nothing lasts forever.

INSECURITIES: I am a textbook klutz and often found day-dreaming while spraying mustard right down my shirt. A horrifying first date experience included me spilling half a serving of wedges off the side of my plate smack-bang into the abyss that was the pristine linen-clad table top with mayonnaise making a rigorous escape off my fork right into the middle of my skirt. I’m a bit of a messy eater. OTHER INSECURITIES: previously mentioned weird snorty laugh, my inability to spell the word weird properly (spellchecker’d), chubby ham-like thighs, small “budget-trail-mix-almond” eyes, note to mention my sociapathic ability to prolong procrastination. I look at myself and start numbering up everything about myself that I hate about myself – qualities that I have and those that I wish I had – I can still wake up in the morning and treat myself to a perky smile, because that’s me staring back at me in the mirror. Not to fake sell-out-Jayne, but Jayne-Jayne. I may not be able to love myself fully right now, or even ever, but you know what, I’m making a spirited effort to.

MY POINT BEING: even though each and every one of us has things about ourselves that we hate, emotional baggage, self-esteem issues, poor behavioral controls excetera excetera, we are human because of these things. All these things are what make us who were are, and all that scary, all that fear, all that self-doubt, are all things that create our persona. I have to face the fact that I’m going to be That Crazy Asian Chick With The Bizzaro Laugh for a good deal longer, but you know, once you change yourself to suit what others think you should be, you’ll miss yourself and our real friends will too.

When I counted up my demons, Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders, I drove the other ones away

So if you ever feel neglected, And if you think that all is lost
I’ll be counting up my demons, yeah, Hoping everything’s not lost

When you thought that it was over, You could feel it all around
And everybody’s out to get you, Don’t you let it drag you down

‘Cos if you ever feel neglected, And if you think that all is lost
I’ll be counting up my demons, yeah, Hoping everything’s not lost


14 thoughts on “BEHIND THAT LENS

  1. Ting says:

    Just thought I’d leave a little note to say that I love you the way you are Jane… ESPECIALLY your laugh. I think we all have our ‘hate’ parts or moments. I frequently have sessions where I mentally beat myself up, haha. You’re an awesome friend even if we don’t see each other often but I reminiscence and miss uni because of the good company 🙂 If you do change, I hope it’s for the best and for yourself! Mwah! XOXO

    1. Awwww, you’re so sweet Ting! Yeah, we always beat ourselves up over the small stuff – the key is too overcome!

      Sooo much love to youuuuu! ❤

  2. I’m the same way! Like…reading that I felt like “whoa, this could be me writing this”. Only trade-in would be instead of a weird laugh I have a weird voice and my eyes are the extreme opposite of small, they are huge and like O____O that.
    Do you have an “AAAAARGH DON’T TAKE MY PICTURE” complex too? ugh, I do.
    I think on the inside we all have our social complexities and awkwardnesses but we put on Brave Face TM so as to not be complete outcasts. you’re not alone! 😀

    1. Hahaha – I think all of us have a insecurities sometimes – and sometimes we feel on top of the world! I guess the theory is, that you never have what you want!

      I sometimes have the photo-fear thing going on too! It’s madness when people start stalking you out for a shot (that’s why I stay behind the camera – MUAH HA HA!)

      /HIGHFIVE Outcasts are cool 😀

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