Gather around people and come on down the front anyone who’s ever wondered how the hell you maintain a big, fat, healthy relationship. Is everybody in? Good, now throw all your self-help books, astrology charts, aromatherapy candles, emotion journals, lucky rabbit feet and even your Card Captor Sakura body pillow into the bonfire before you. You won’t be needing all that rubbish anymore, because while in deep-thought mode, scrubbing a bathroom tap this morning, I discovered the key to cohabitation. Please note, I’m not claiming to be an all-knowing expert in the field, know anything about true love, hold the secret to inner peace or even the promise of domestic harmony (let alone understand why buttered toast always falls face-down). Heck no, I’m just enlightening you all on a simple technique I’ve worked out in which will stop you from wanting to garrote your partner on a daily basis. I call it my “you’re buggered, I’m buggered” theory, and if you can bear with me for another 500-ish words or so, I’ll attempt to share these pearls of relationship-wisdom.

3 IS THE MAGIC NUMBER: Yeah, that's right. 3 Apples - it's symbolic, okay.

First, the one and only rule is as simple and as complex as this – you have to square up to the mirror and face the fact that you’re an imperfect human being with at least three traits that a potential partner is going to find almost unbearable. Now whether this trio of troubles (Ooo alliteration!) are blatantly obvious, swimming just below the surface or entombed deep within your soul is for you to determine, but the quicker you identify them, the quicker we can be on our merry way.

Now, the good news is that you are not alone. Everyone has at least three things that are guaranteed to make you cry, weep and make you want to curse them to the deep darkest of pits of hell; especially when they’re magnified by the pressures of living under the same roof. There’s nothing romantic about it, but the secret really is accepting that “you’re buggered, I’m buggered” and then getting on with the business of finding the person with the three things you hate the least.

In my years of searching for this perfect fit of flaws, I’ve found potential life-partners with a variety of habits, mannerisms, obsessions, characteristics and fetishes (pronounced: FEE-TISH-IS) that, in the end, I found deeply disconcerting and highly annoying. There was one who decided that eating with his mouth ajar was the new black, yet only ended in him appearing to be a malnutritioned pony with a chaff bag. 88% missed his mouth and was sent straight to the table surface. There was the one who picked his scabs whilst watching Neighbors (funnily enough, I don’t quite remember whether it was the scab picking or the fact that we were watching Neighbors that bugged me). The one who didn’t wash his hair for two whole weeks because he was going through a deep-set EMO-TRASH moment. The one who didn’t speak. The one who literally got lost looking for a toilet and thus was late by 45 minutes because he refused to ask for directions. The one who kept on saying that Coldplay was the best band in the world. The one who didn’t own any music. The moody one. The sulky one. The smelly one. The nasty one. The one who never put the lid back on the toothpaste.

Sure, some of those short-comings were small, I concur. But in the end, I have decided that I will settle with a bloke who never changes the empty toilet roll, kicks and talks in his sleep and is prone to long periods of sniffling instead of short bursts of blowing his nose. A set of triplets I can easily live with, especially when you stop to consider that here’s a girl with some pretty huge chinks in her armor. My own imperfections include an obsessive desire to keep everything in order – cans of preserved cabbage with cans of preserved cabbage in the kitchen cupboards, a strange requirement to purchase at least one “CUTE!” item on eBay every week, keeping little bags for little bags of little bags; being unable to commit to anything without have at least 2 days notice (unless I’ve organised the event myself) and a need to eat anything and everything with cheese on it, only to breakout in either a hive-like skin rash or sneezing like an elephant with dust up it’s nostrils about 2 hours later.

So, there you have it. While there will always be three things you hate about your partner, given time you’ll eventually love to hate those three things.


ALSO: If you haven’t heard THREE IS THE MAGIC NUMBER before, the lyrics are really quite nifty (or nauseating, whichever suits your world view).


19 thoughts on “THREE IS THE MAGIC NUMBER.

  1. Thanks for the tips! This was a pretty interesting and amusing read. I’ll try to keep this in mind but I’m pretty short-tempered when it comes to annoying habits and forgetful when it comes to remembering good tips so we’ll see how that works ):

    BTW, you are a really good writer ๐Ÿ˜€

    1. Haha, yeah, I can short tempered too – it’s a bad habit (maybe the least bearable of mine!) – why thank-you! Happy you have enjoyed reading without falling asleep!

  2. that was definitely an enlightening read but I’ve still kept my self help books and sakura pillow just in case anything backfires haha

    Oh high tea here is also the english tea as well but the lace I went to just presented it a bit differently (im a high tea sucker and will pay a high price to have “nice” tea) lol but Im clueless about tea etiquette ( i mean about cream, sugar and lemon etc.)

    Oh Im glad the dye turned out good! Im thinking of giving that brand a try next time, which color did you use?

  3. Can I just say your writing is hilarious? But the rule in itself is brilliant especially because all of us have a fancy, high horse to sit on from to time to time.

    1. Why thank-you my dear, I’m glad you have enjoyed my rambling ๐Ÿ˜€

      It makes one feel better about oneself – which is A-OK with me!

  4. Hahahah mine is probably being a tad bit obsessive/neurotic, having information go in one ear and out the other, aaand impulsive without consulting others.

    I wouldn’t settle for a guy who snores though. Will absolutely not take him!!! But you never know.

  5. Oh man, if I could only have three I would most definitely have a boyfriend right now haha. And I’m not sure if it’s just me but I can’t seem to like a guy for more than a couple weeks. It’s just terrible! I am truly going to be lonely forever ๐Ÿ˜›

  6. We certainly need to accept the fact that nobody is perfect–not even ourselves.

    As obnoxious as this sounds, the first step (at least for me) to acceptance is knowing that everybody farts. You wouldn’t believe the number of ridiculous and shallow stories I hear about both girls and guys not getting over the fact that they once heard their significant other “let it rip.”

    Dating can be such a complex process–everybody comes with imperfections, at the same time we can’t settle for less. Three is a good cap to start off with haha, thus once we cannot come up with more than three major things we don’t like about our partners, just cultivate the fun and good side of them. =)

    1. I totally know where you’re coming from – I think accepting that we’re pretty disgusting already helps us break down the barrier of snobbery. The fact that humans all have these necessary functions seems mundane, maybe even a little gross – but are integral to each and every one of us. Farts happen! ๐Ÿ˜€

      Great advice you have there! Once we accept that we are flawed, we can move on to accentuating the beauty that each and every one of us has!

  7. Its true so true, more than just taking three, realize that there has to more to a man that him being less than stellar. I mean i suck i cant expect him to be perfect? I feel like thats why half the world is single, everyone is looking for prince charming than a human who can hold you even if you have to say “i would really like you to hold me right now” we cant expect them to read our minds since we cant read theres….we will be blunt, they will be too…there will be great times that should mean SO MUCH MORE than he snores! The fact that he said he loved you, the day he remember you liked frozen candy bars, they day he called to say hey…those should mean more…were all imperfect why should we expect our men to be perfect if not even God does…

    1. Fantastic words of advice!

      An imperfect individuals ourselves, how can we expect everyone else to be perfect? We have to accept that we are flawed and work upon that – not to dwell on it, but to accentuate the good in everyone! Guys (and girls) can’t be expected to know everything – we can’t read minds and neither can they – which I know in my bouts of madness I have brought up several times – how are we supposed to know what’s wrong? Some kind of crazy ESP that kicked in when we started dating? ๐Ÿ˜€

      Relationship-Initiated ESP, or RI-ESP.
      Sounds like a camera model!


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