Obligatory unrelated photo to spice up my droning.

I’ve noticed a recent trend of people in my life having kids. I’ve never noticed it before and it has a lot to do with me being oblivious, but I’m going to blame this intense accumulation of children on the fact that I’m getting older. People on my Facebook are increasingly swapping their booze-filled news-feeds with chubby little faces and adorable onsies – a cute epidemic, and I’m not exactly complaining. But, with children comes the inevitable imprinting of knowledge. What to tell your kids – lie to them about Santa Claus until they have their hopes and dreams shattered by some hawk-faced 5-year-old with one earring? Tell them that every-time they flick the lights on and off a fairy dies? Acknowledge their right to independent thought, but force them into complying to traditional gender-roles because you’re scared of the berating you’ll receive from your parents? Oh, the minefield! 

The lines between what should be passed-down to one’s children and what shouldn’t are forever blurred in obscurity. For instance a child once told me that their mother said, “That it’s okay to steal from people, as long you know you will never see them again.” I’ve made a point of keeping my bag very firmly shut in the presence of that child and their mother, even though I suspect he (sorry, “it”) was lying. In any case, if anyone under the age of ten (or parents deciding whether on not to hide under the sofa when Auntie Jayne comes knocking) happens to be listening, hark, here is my knowledge:

1. Read. This is a fairly easy concept. Read everything, consume knowledge and then make your own opinions on things. I find people who don’t read have a habit of, you know, being illiterate. Which is not favourable and you will feel like a fool for a large part of your life. Also, reading comics is not the same as reading. Just sayin’.

2. Never take a provocative picture of yourself. Let’s face it, if you do, what you thought was a tiny sliver of narcism will turn into a rampaging rhinoceros of self-love. You’ll start posting pictures of yourself on Facebook EVERYDAY. You know, the ones that are take from above, with puckered lips and low-cut tops. People will start to hate your visage with vapid-abandon, you will become the laughing-stock of those people who read (yes, cue: Point 1) and most of all you’re parents will start to question why they spawned you (if they haven’t already). Yes, this also applies to those of the male persuasion – yes, you’re deep-v IS deep enough. No, I don’t want to check up on your “6-pack”. What? Oh, I hear that people value intelligence, oh, you didn’t hear that? Maybe you should of READ IT (again, Point 1).

3. Treat all people with kindness. Except people who are tossers. And you’ll meet complete tossers, so you have to trust your instincts on who is a tosser and who isn’t a tosser. And on that note: stand up to bullies. Even though I would never condone violence (cough), standing up for what you believe in, what you are and what you do is the essence of your character. Don’t let a tosser tarnish that. I give you permission to use your intelligent wiles upon their peanut-sized brains (of which you would of obtained from reading).

4. Fake it until you make it. This is the opposite of cheating. What I mean is to pretend you know what you’re doing until you can do it like a pro. This is also the opposite of being arrogant. Don’t completely over-stretch you capabilities – or you’ll be proven completely and utterly a dunce – this applies to things like HR and cooking pasta, not open-heart surgery and chess. There are only so many things you can learn from reading.

5. Life is a lottery. Sometimes you’ll win and sometimes you’ll lose, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel lost and confused sometimes – and everyone feels that way at some point in their lives. No matter how bad it gets, it get’s better, then worse and then better again. That’s what life is about, it’ll bounce up and down like a demented tennis ball rigged with high-tensile rubber and then somewhere along the line you’ll  learn to find comfort in food and coffee and for at least 30 minutes everything will be okay again.

6. Take what you do seriously, don’t take yourself seriously. There’s a big difference between taking your job, your work, your occupation seriously and yourself seriously. If you take both seriously, you will be the worst person. Believe me. If you don’t take your job seriously, you will be considered as the nice-guy with no work-ethic. So work like your life depends on it, do what you do – and do it well – but be able to take the flak, use your relaxation time to relax and be convivial, not an asshat.

7. Never listen to, and enjoy, country music. Your parents will consider you to be culturally inadept. I may have to throw my hands up in the air in contempt. Just a warning.

8. I will always love you. Here’s me in danger of sounding like Whitney, but I will – and sure you’ll disappoint me every now and again with crazy ideas of shacking up with your suspicious-smelling boyfriend and I’ll definitely give you an ear-wrangling when you come home in a drunken crying stupor, but I’ll always be there for you and I’ll never threaten disowning you (a classic Asian Parent move) unless I catch you listening to country music and ENJOYING it. Then we might have a few things to…discuss.


5 thoughts on “ADVICE: WHAT I’LL TELL MY KIDS.

  1. sachiepon says:

    Haha my mom has used to disown line too much, now it’s just like “yeah yeah mom, whatever.” 😛

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